365 Day Challenge - Day 1

Hey all, long time no speak. Decided to jump on Melissa's 365 Day Challenge :)

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Day 1: hopes, dreams, and plans for the next 365 days with a picture of yourself

<taken 5 seconds ago>

Hopes: Creative expression! Actually finishing it.
Dreams: That I do it well and think outside the box.
Plans: To stick to it? If I miss a day or 5 I'll try my hardest to make them up :)

Update.

I do believe I have come to some sort of breakthrough with Matt (le psychologist). I am no longer feeling so melancholy about things. I wouldn't go as far to say that I am happy, but I am no longer in despair. It is hard when you reach the point where you are no longer living for yourself, but for two darling little angels. Having them as your only anchor to a world where you are feeling nothing but sadness is a pretty big realisation. I decided that if I am to be here for them, then I need to be *here* for them. Not in my own head, not hating every second that I breathe - that is not productive, that is in no way beneficial for them at all... So I am on the quest to get better, to seek light in the dark and find happiness where before there was nothing but self-hate. It will be a long, slow process - but I need to do this, if not for me then for them.

This brings me back, once again, to the poem 'The Laughing Heart' by Charles Bukowski. A poem which I hold so very dear.


your life is your life
don’t let it be clubbed into dank submission.
be on the watch.
there are ways out.
there is a light somewhere.
it may not be much light but
it beats the darkness.
be on the watch.
the gods will offer you chances.
know them.
take them.
you can’t beat death but
you can beat death in life, sometimes.
and the more often you learn to do it,
the more light there will be.
your life is your life.
know it while you have it.
you are marvelous
the gods wait to delight
in you.


In other news I will be going to see 'Boy & Bear' in May and perhaps I can manage to sway the husband to let me go and see the comedian John Robertson the week after - we shall see. If you do not know who Boy & Bear are then I strongly recommend you look them up on youtube and bask in their awesomeness, you should also youtube John Robertson's 'Dark Room' game.

I leave you with this motivational message wallpaper I made this evening.. image from the googles..

My headphones are broken and other tales.

So my headphones are broken, whenever I move my head I get a loud CLUNK noise, which is rather irritating when I am trying to watch something on my laptop. I also got my newer car (a 2002 red, Toyota Corolla Wagon - it doesn't play MP3s and the audio cd's I burnt didn't work so still sorting out the music situation). We both know that's not why I'm here. I am here to vent more serious shit - so enjoy.

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So I have been seeing my psych weekly and the sessions go well, I get a lot off of my chest and walk out feeling awesome and ready to tackle things I need to work on - then I get about halfway to my car and feel helpless again. Feel like running back in there and begging for them to hold my hand and help me. I need to resign my current job. I cannot bring myself to do it - I have written the letter and everything, but feel so horribly sick and anxious to even consider printing it out and posting it! Then there is the big decision of what the fuck I should do at uni. I don't think I want to do nursing any more the idea of it seems too hard - I am rusty, the stress of being in a hospital ward and all that guff again, makes me freak the fuck out. Then I think maybe I should do midwifery, it is more one on one time with the clients and its all about bringing life into the world and less about treating the sick (for the most part) but then it's still in a hospital and would still be super sonic stress town most of the time. Then I think biomedical science to become a pathologist or something similar - but I hate research and can't really see myself in a laboratory for the rest of my days, also is it profitable? Can I support my family on that degree? The last thing I was considering was naturopathy - but then with that you essentially have to set up your own practice and you need money and business skills for such things. So I am stuck on that and as a result have been very panicky and very on edge and wanting to recluse into my room and just not do people. I have been very touchy and very sensitive and also very defensive and aggro - ESPECIALLY when I do open up to someone and their only suggestion is medicaation. I don't want fucking medication. I don't want to treat the symptoms I want to treat the root of the problem and get better for good you dick hole.
Anyway I should probably leave it there I am getting into a tired cycle thang and best not to ignore it and embrace it and go sleepy towns. I know no one really reads this anyhow - but that's ok, it's out and off  my chest yay.

xx

Crash Course - A Youtube Series

Hello - long time no post. I haven't been the best head-space wise and at the same time I haven't really had anything to vent about. I just wanted to let you all know about this relatively new youtube channel/series called 'Crash Course' it is mostly made by the vlogbrothers (look them up if you don't know who they are) and as the name suggests you get 'crash courses' in numerous topics - the current being History and Biology. They are presented in a way that doesn't dumb it down, but makes it interesting and easy to understand. I am loving it so far and you might too! Well worth checking it out :)


http://www.youtube.com/user/crashcourse/videos <click the link to go to the channel :)

People who hate the things you love. With a passion.

Thoughts on: the people who hate the things you love.


So I am a pretty open person, I like a lot of different things in regards to music, movies, authors, games, television programs etc. I also dislike a lot of things. Some of my friends like these things that I dislike - that's ok, each to their own. I happily listen to them gush about these things they like, I value learning (knowledge is power after all) even if it is about subjects I have no great interest in. I sometimes like to gush about the things I like and for the most part my friends will listen, ask questions, join in and what not. Then there are the few friends who feel it necessary to belittle me for having interests that differ to theirs.

For example;
Me: "I was watching an episode of_________"
Friend: "Ugh, that again? I hate __________, it is so stupid! How can you stand watching it?"
Me: "Um, well I obviously don't find it stupid..."
Friend: *changes subject or goes on a rant about why _________ is stupid*


There are only a couple of friends who do this. For the most part they are awesome people who I can have long conversations with on a variety of topics, they just seem to think it is ok to put themselves above someone else for liking something that they don't or not liking something they do. It is so immature and it makes no sense to me. We are all diffferent to one another - we are not going to like the exact same things, never. It won't ever happen that two people will meet and love everything that the other person does - there will be differences and that is what makes us as a species amazing! 


Anyways so ends todays installment of "Emmy Getting Things Off Of Her Chest".
Hope you are all well today! What are some of your pet peeves?

I have decided that I need to vent more for my own sanity. This means that my blogging will be more frequent. It also means that my blogging will be more sad and 'oh woe is me' more often. I feel as if I shouldn't have to say this considering it is my personal blog - but if you don't have anything nice to say in response to posts with such a theme then please refrain from commenting at all. I am not doing it for attention I am doing it as an outlet for my own personal frustrations due to mental illness. 


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Social anxiety is a strange, strange creature - well it is for me. Yesterday I went to an anime convention, it was very crowed, thousands of geeks and other nerdy folk in costumes and humorous shirts mashed together for hours on end. I was ok for the majority of the day, being so close to so  many people didn't bother me in the slightest until around 5pm - this was resolved by removing myself to a deserted row in the screening room to watch a movie. Today, however, we have been invited to a small barbeque (by we, I am referring to my husband, children and myself) at a friends house and I am freaking out. I am over-socialled, I don't want to be near people today. My room is a quiet, cosy haven where I can sleep, play video games and talk to absolutely no-one (husband has taken the children out to play at the park) - why would I want to go and have a barbeque with people who may be judging me? To be honest we don't share the same interests - unless you include parenting - and they are skinnier than me and prettier than me (obviously referring to the women who will be there). It is bothering me that I spent yesterday with around 4000 people with no issue and today there will be around 6 people and I am stressing. I am talking stress-rash, tummy aches, head aches, sweaty palms - the works. I am going to therapy to fix these issues, there was even mention of the 'cure' word last week (I scoffed in disbelief), it would be wonderful to be able to just go and do something without worrying what everybody else thought. To just enjoy myself for once without presuming everyone hates me and that they are judging me for varying, unspecified reasons. Oh to be normal.


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Ok so I wrote the above about 7 hours ago and since then my mum was rushed to hospital with chest pains (now a suspected blood clot - tests still being done, I am home now) and it made me think "Oh well if I had gone to Wai-Con/the barbeque today then I wouldn't of been able to get to my mum as soon and if it was a real heart attack.. etc etc". Which is stupid - but it is what it is. Also I realised I have an intense fear and dread of hospitals - I am training to be a nurse (perhaps a rethink in career choice is needed). Anyways mum is ok for now and I am home with my dinner and my 'I'm sad' cardigan on, it is long, flowy and grey and made out of the softest wool (it was $50 so I am glad it is awesome) about to watch some youtube and play a bit of L.A. Noire.
<3 To whoever is reading this xx

SOPA/PIPA - Get Informed & Sign some Petitions!

Thought this was fitting due to the reddit/wikipedia black out currently in progress.
SOPA - although an American legislation will affect every single last one of us with the internet.





I have watched/read a lot of SOPA/PIPA items and this one is by far the best and most informative.
There are many, many online petitions for Americans and ways for them to contact their governments - if you are not from the US the below link is a petition for us to sign. I already have thrice.


http://americancensorship.org/ (scroll down)


To lighten the mood: http://www.youtube.com/watch?feature=player_embedded&v=1p-TV4jaCMk


Oh  noes! I have copyright infringed materials on my blog.... 
PLEASE GUYS!!! A DIFFERENCE CAN BE MADE - PEOPLE POWERRRR


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