Friday, 10 February 2012

My headphones are broken and other tales.

So my headphones are broken, whenever I move my head I get a loud CLUNK noise, which is rather irritating when I am trying to watch something on my laptop. I also got my newer car (a 2002 red, Toyota Corolla Wagon - it doesn't play MP3s and the audio cd's I burnt didn't work so still sorting out the music situation). We both know that's not why I'm here. I am here to vent more serious shit - so enjoy.


So I have been seeing my psych weekly and the sessions go well, I get a lot off of my chest and walk out feeling awesome and ready to tackle things I need to work on - then I get about halfway to my car and feel helpless again. Feel like running back in there and begging for them to hold my hand and help me. I need to resign my current job. I cannot bring myself to do it - I have written the letter and everything, but feel so horribly sick and anxious to even consider printing it out and posting it! Then there is the big decision of what the fuck I should do at uni. I don't think I want to do nursing any more the idea of it seems too hard - I am rusty, the stress of being in a hospital ward and all that guff again, makes me freak the fuck out. Then I think maybe I should do midwifery, it is more one on one time with the clients and its all about bringing life into the world and less about treating the sick (for the most part) but then it's still in a hospital and would still be super sonic stress town most of the time. Then I think biomedical science to become a pathologist or something similar - but I hate research and can't really see myself in a laboratory for the rest of my days, also is it profitable? Can I support my family on that degree? The last thing I was considering was naturopathy - but then with that you essentially have to set up your own practice and you need money and business skills for such things. So I am stuck on that and as a result have been very panicky and very on edge and wanting to recluse into my room and just not do people. I have been very touchy and very sensitive and also very defensive and aggro - ESPECIALLY when I do open up to someone and their only suggestion is medicaation. I don't want fucking medication. I don't want to treat the symptoms I want to treat the root of the problem and get better for good you dick hole.
Anyway I should probably leave it there I am getting into a tired cycle thang and best not to ignore it and embrace it and go sleepy towns. I know no one really reads this anyhow - but that's ok, it's out and off  my chest yay.


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