Wednesday, 7 March 2012


I do believe I have come to some sort of breakthrough with Matt (le psychologist). I am no longer feeling so melancholy about things. I wouldn't go as far to say that I am happy, but I am no longer in despair. It is hard when you reach the point where you are no longer living for yourself, but for two darling little angels. Having them as your only anchor to a world where you are feeling nothing but sadness is a pretty big realisation. I decided that if I am to be here for them, then I need to be *here* for them. Not in my own head, not hating every second that I breathe - that is not productive, that is in no way beneficial for them at all... So I am on the quest to get better, to seek light in the dark and find happiness where before there was nothing but self-hate. It will be a long, slow process - but I need to do this, if not for me then for them.

This brings me back, once again, to the poem 'The Laughing Heart' by Charles Bukowski. A poem which I hold so very dear.

your life is your life
don’t let it be clubbed into dank submission.
be on the watch.
there are ways out.
there is a light somewhere.
it may not be much light but
it beats the darkness.
be on the watch.
the gods will offer you chances.
know them.
take them.
you can’t beat death but
you can beat death in life, sometimes.
and the more often you learn to do it,
the more light there will be.
your life is your life.
know it while you have it.
you are marvelous
the gods wait to delight
in you.

In other news I will be going to see 'Boy & Bear' in May and perhaps I can manage to sway the husband to let me go and see the comedian John Robertson the week after - we shall see. If you do not know who Boy & Bear are then I strongly recommend you look them up on youtube and bask in their awesomeness, you should also youtube John Robertson's 'Dark Room' game.

I leave you with this motivational message wallpaper I made this evening.. image from the googles..

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