Sunday 29 January 2012


I have decided that I need to vent more for my own sanity. This means that my blogging will be more frequent. It also means that my blogging will be more sad and 'oh woe is me' more often. I feel as if I shouldn't have to say this considering it is my personal blog - but if you don't have anything nice to say in response to posts with such a theme then please refrain from commenting at all. I am not doing it for attention I am doing it as an outlet for my own personal frustrations due to mental illness. 


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Social anxiety is a strange, strange creature - well it is for me. Yesterday I went to an anime convention, it was very crowed, thousands of geeks and other nerdy folk in costumes and humorous shirts mashed together for hours on end. I was ok for the majority of the day, being so close to so  many people didn't bother me in the slightest until around 5pm - this was resolved by removing myself to a deserted row in the screening room to watch a movie. Today, however, we have been invited to a small barbeque (by we, I am referring to my husband, children and myself) at a friends house and I am freaking out. I am over-socialled, I don't want to be near people today. My room is a quiet, cosy haven where I can sleep, play video games and talk to absolutely no-one (husband has taken the children out to play at the park) - why would I want to go and have a barbeque with people who may be judging me? To be honest we don't share the same interests - unless you include parenting - and they are skinnier than me and prettier than me (obviously referring to the women who will be there). It is bothering me that I spent yesterday with around 4000 people with no issue and today there will be around 6 people and I am stressing. I am talking stress-rash, tummy aches, head aches, sweaty palms - the works. I am going to therapy to fix these issues, there was even mention of the 'cure' word last week (I scoffed in disbelief), it would be wonderful to be able to just go and do something without worrying what everybody else thought. To just enjoy myself for once without presuming everyone hates me and that they are judging me for varying, unspecified reasons. Oh to be normal.


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Ok so I wrote the above about 7 hours ago and since then my mum was rushed to hospital with chest pains (now a suspected blood clot - tests still being done, I am home now) and it made me think "Oh well if I had gone to Wai-Con/the barbeque today then I wouldn't of been able to get to my mum as soon and if it was a real heart attack.. etc etc". Which is stupid - but it is what it is. Also I realised I have an intense fear and dread of hospitals - I am training to be a nurse (perhaps a rethink in career choice is needed). Anyways mum is ok for now and I am home with my dinner and my 'I'm sad' cardigan on, it is long, flowy and grey and made out of the softest wool (it was $50 so I am glad it is awesome) about to watch some youtube and play a bit of L.A. Noire.
<3 To whoever is reading this xx

3 comments:

  1. I understand how you feel 1000%. I can do Supanova, and I'm quite content with going to Sydney on my own, being surrounded with strangers, but as soon as its a group of people that know who I am :( I'm even uncomfortable around my family, I know it's stupid. Id rather have complete strangers judging me, than people I know. I'm the same with my family and friends, they dont like any of the same things as me :( that's okay... Sometimes but other times I just feel so lonely :) that's why I blog, even if I get one comment a week, at least I know that there are people like me out there. :)
    I love you for you :) ill never say that you're stupid for freaking out about hanging out with friends, and I'll read all your rants :)

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  2. Ps hope your mum gets better really soon :)

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  3. Aww thanks honey! I get so paranoid about people judging me that someone will bump into ME at the supermarket and I will apologise :\ ugh Mum is home now - but will blog that stuff laters :) she is a frequent hospital visitor due to various underlying health conditionos unfortuently :( *hug*

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